A Basic Field Guide to the Social Justice Warrior

Social justice warriors are members of the family Shakius Graspus Realitus, a group of carnivorous herd animals closely related to the common cow. SJWs are indigenous to the North American and European continents, where an unusually moderate and comfortable climate has allowed their populations to flourish. The species of SJW do not thrive outside of these habitats, as competitive and harsh environments are not conducive to their reproduction.

For the naturalist who wishes to observe the SJW in its indigenous environment, they can be found congregating in great numbers at Wi-Fi hotspots, coffee shops, and the Washington Post.

Etymology

The term “social justice warrior” is a pejorative ironic term, in which the opposite meaning is intended. Naturalists have noted over the years that besides a tendency to flutter around Twitter, SJWs are peculiarly antisocial to any species other than their own kind, do not exhibit an objective interest in justice, and are not particularly brave outside of the herd. The past couple of decades have seen the increased usage of the term SJW rather than the original Latin “lunaticus.”

Characteristics

SJWs are easily identified, possessing highly sensitive ears as well as an enormous mouth that hangs open in order to emit noise at the slightest provocation. The SJW has evolved this hyper-sensitivity as a survival method to offset an abnormally small cranial capacity on the left side of the brain. Additionally, the SJW often dyes its hair in bright colors, decorates its body with metal piercings, and typically endeavors to make itself as physically unappealing as possible.

While the naturalist will doubtless have little trouble spotting an SJW, he or she will hear one long before seeing it due to its incessant bleating. Similar to cows or sheep, the wild SJW is a herd animal, living in large groups and finding strength in numbers. When agitated due to a perceived threat, the SJW herdd will form a hunting pack of its loudest members to harangue any perceived foe until it dies of fatigue. The natural prey of the SJW is very nearly anything it sees.

The SJW enthusiast is advised to bring along binoculars when he or she ventures into the field, since it can be a challenge to approach the SJW due to its extremely skittish and volatile nature. This difficulty stems from a constant vigilance, digits twitching in anticipation of an updated status or recording cellphone. Any sudden movement or sound will set a SJW off, causing the herd to immediately stampede with thunderous cacophony. SJWs caught in this mass uncontrolled impulse exhibit what the naturalist William F. Buckley once described as a “ferocious illiteracy.”

SJWs prefer habitats in which subsistence requires little or no effort and there is little threat from predators of any kind. Unfortunately for the SJWs, they will typically destroy their own habitat if left unchecked. SJW experts refer to this phenomenon as “going viral,” in which a herd of SJWs will become extremely aggressive and systematically attack everything within their immediate radius, including the plants and animals that they rely on for food. Recent studies have concluded that the only known way to calm a herd that has gone viral is to blast stand-up comedy at a high volume directly at them. Should this happen to you, make sure to use John Oliver and Stephen Colbert for maximum calming effect.

The social justice warrior's only known natural enemy is the Freedomus Conservativae, also known as the wild conservative. These majestic creatures were once plentiful throughout Europe and North America, but ferocious competition with the SJWs for resources, coupled with the conservative's more solitary, individualist nature, has put it at a disadvantage. Until recently the conservative was critically endangered, and although its numbers in the United States have slowly begun improving, it is in serious decline throughout Europe and was recently declared extinct in Canada. As such, the future of the species remains in doubt. Serious conservation efforts are needed to ensure the wild conservative's survival as a necessary and natural check on the rapaciousness of the SJWs.

Mating and Reproduction

SJWs exhibit sequential hermaphroditism, or in other words, the ability to switch genders at will. However, they often hate to choose one over the other and typically remain "gender neutral" until the mating season arrives. If one is fortunate enough to witness an SWJ in heat, he or she will have a rare glimpse at some of the most unique mating rituals in the animal kingdom. Scientists theorize that puberty occurs rather late in life for SJWs, since they spend most of their lives resisting physical attraction or intimacy of any kind. Once it becomes necessary to reproduce, however, members of the species will grudgingly and temporarily assume a gender and copulate.

The female SJW initiates the mating ritual by making loud, assertive sounds to draw attention to herself. If a nearby male SJW hears her guttural mating call, he will slowly and cautiously emerge from his underground safe space and allow himself to be thoroughly beaten by the female before the two copulate. While the majority of offspring are killed during the gestation period, if a pup is allowed to reach birth its parents often raise it while loudly bemoan the offspring’s existence and howling at their misfortune.

Domestication

Domesticating the SJW is a difficult process that usually takes many years. An SJW captured as a pup has a much better chance of becoming a functioning member of its surrounding habitat. This is critically important, as it is nearly impossible for an SJW to adjust at a later stage.

The first step in domestication requires stripping the SJW’s entitlement, usually by refusing to pay its tuition or taking away its tenure. Then, the naturalist must train it through constant repetition of specific phrases like “You are not a snowflake” or “That doesn’t make sense.” The last stage in domestication requires terminating handouts to help the SJW become confident in foraging for itself. If you or a budding naturalist wish to learn more about the wild social justice warrior, the following resources will help get you started:

www.sanders.senate.gov/

www.cnn.com/

www.huffingtonpost.com/

www.npr.org/

www.salon.com/

Or, if you wish to see SJWs in the wild, please visit your local college campus.